


The Man I Know I’m Not

by topangaa



Category: Supernatural, jacksepticeye
Genre: Demonic Possession, Demons, Kinda, Supernatural AU - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-17 23:50:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17570306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/topangaa/pseuds/topangaa
Summary: For as long as he can remember, this is just how things have always been for him. Long, sleepless nights filled with that same shadow lurking just out of sight, even longer days of nothing else but that same, paranoid feeling of somebody watching him. But it isn’t just paranoia. He knows for a fact that somebody is there.He has always been there.





	The Man I Know I’m Not

Sean doesn’t know how long he’s felt like this. For as long as he can remember, this is just how things have always been for him. Long, sleepless nights filled with that same shadow lurking just out of sight, even longer days of nothing else but that same, paranoid feeling of somebody watching him. But it isn’t just paranoia. He knows for a fact that somebody is there.

 

 _He_ has always been there.

 

Whatever this thing may be, it’s definitely changed him, he’ll admit that. Remorsefully so. He’d spent so long not wanting anyone to know about it, even moved out to the middle of fucking nowhere so that when he lost control and had his freaky little meltdowns, no one would hear it. No one would get hurt. No one would know. That little cabin he’d moved into was the only place able to contain this little problem of his, but it was just as much a self-made prison as it was a safe zone.

 

But then he met Felix. The demon boy who didn’t mean too much harm, and more or less just wanted to have some fun. Calling the man a demon almost felt like an insult, but it’s what he was. All the same, he wasn’t evil. Or, maybe he was...but never enough in a way that could scare Sean away. In the end, it was Felix who helped him figure everything out, helped him tame this beast inside of him that wouldn’t let him go.

 

He knows he should feel thankful for everything his friend has done for him. All those years spent feeling so useless were so far behind him now. If it weren’t for their meeting, Sean would still be all alone in that cabin. He’d still be out of control, he would still be afraid.

 

And he _is_ thankful. Without a doubt, he’s as thankful as anyone should be for a complete stranger offering such help. But it’s all just so confusing to him. His powers may be under his own control, and that creature may be locked away inside of him were he can never again torment him, but there’s still...something. He may be able to use his abilities for good now, but he feels as though in doing so, he’s just trying to fill some sort of void. A void that nobody else but himself has created. Because, the thing is, he could save all the people in the world. Every damsel in distress, every child scared of the monster under their bed. But it would never be enough. He could be called a hero by everyone he saves, told that he’s a good man and that he’s making a difference, but it wouldn’t change how he is inside. Good or not, there’s still something inside of him. Something that will never go away. Something that has robbed him of ever living a normal life, of ever finding peace and happiness and self-security.

 

And maybe that’s selfish of him to feel, but he can’t help but wonder that if this entity that’s attached itself to him had never done so in the first place, what kind of life would he be living today?

 

The guilty feeling sits there in his gut every waking moment. Every time he uses his powers, every time something goes wrong and it’s all his doing. No amount of successfully completed cases or families saved will ever make up for the losses he’s accounted for.

 

“Don’t be so hard on yourself.” Felix will tell him. “Nobody’s perfect. You’re no exception.”

 

The man tells him that in an almost aggressive way. He’s stern, but he’s not mean. Sean wonders if that man truly understands the full extent of his self hatred, or if he ever will.

 

When he meets Mark, Tyler, and Ethan, that feeling doesn’t fade. Being amongst more people like himself, he feels somewhat relieved. But this secret of his once again starts to make him feel that same uneasiness he’d held onto in that cabin for so long. Once again he represses it all, buries it within himself, tries to fit in with these three new hunters that have walked into his life in order to keep things peaceful, to keep things easy. He tries to be something that he’s not, because he doesn’t want to lose the only real and human friends he’s ever had. He doesn’t want to be abandoned for this curse that’s been endowed upon him since birth. 

 

And it’s all so, so _wrong_. It just doesn’t feel right. He doesn’t feel okay. He finds that the more he represses this, the more he loses. This thing, this horrible, awful disease in his veins, and in his mind...it becomes more powerful and more in tune with its existence than he is of himself. And once it’s too late, once he’s ignored all of Felix’s warnings, once he’s messed things up and a case goes horribly, horribly wrong, he realizes that this can’t go on.

 

But then Mark insists that although this isn’t normal, it’s not beyond giving him a chance. Tyler somehow finds it within himself to look at him with sympathetic eyes or even at all. And Ethan goes as far as trying to help them all figure something out. 

 

And Sean doesn’t understand why.

 

He doesn’t understand why anyone would be willing to help him, or why he even matters as a person. He knows he’s a monster, the kind of thing that he’d kill if he was anyone else, that he’s something the others should kill. He knows that the mistakes he’s made are just that, his own. Nobody should be given the responsibility to fix things other than him. Felix should just sit on the sidelines and watch, Mark should hate him and all that he is, because it’s what he deserves. By no means should he be receiving this much forgiveness, or this level of understanding. It doesn’t make any sense to him. And it drives him nuts.

 

“You aren’t your problems, Sean.” Everyone tells him. And he wants to believe that. But every part of him tells him that that’s wrong.

 

“There’s still you underneath all of this. There’s still that person that wants to do good.”

 

“You are still a good person.”

 

The words make him laugh when he thinks about them, but yet, he does think of them. He keeps them stored somewhere in his mind for when he’s feeling really down.

 

And so he takes a step back, it’s all that he can do, and repeats those words to himself.

 

“I am not my problems. I am a good person.” He says, and even if he doesn’t believe them, he says them again and again.

 

He is not that boy in that cabin anymore. He is himself, a hero, a person who does whatever he can to help people, even going as far as to push his own thoughts and fears aside in order to do so. He may not be perfect, and he may not be like his peers in the way that he wants to be, but he’s not evil.

 

And so, he tells himself that.

 

“I am not evil.” He insists, determined to believe his own words even if he has to force himself to  

 

And when that darkness flashes in his eyes, whether it be a trick of the light or if it’s _him_ , he tells himself just one more thing, and quite possibly the most important thing that he could tell himself.

 

“I am not _you_.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! Thank you for reading! I wrote this in like...freshman year of high school? When I was 14? It was inspired by the song “Turn Off The Lights” by Panic! at the Disco. Yeah. But I kinda liked it and I kinda sorta maybe want to continue it? If that interests you let me know and I’ll get to work! If not, at the very least give me so constructive criticism? I do enjoy improving my writing.


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